When I was pregnant with my first child, I remember feeling overly confident about the prospect of being a mother. After all, I’m a big sister to 6 siblings and an OB/GYN nurse. What else was there to know?
What I did not realize was that preparation for baby included far more than learning the “skills” of baby care and being comfortable with holding a newborn. And in hindsight, I did not stack the cards in my favor for my transition to new motherhood. This may have contributed to my postpartum depression and anxiety, a post-baby experience true for 1 in 5 women in this country. Add to that a short maternity leave and the stress of a full time job, and I was barely surviving.
Now that I am pregnant with my second child, I have spent considerable time reflecting on my first year as a mom. Here are the things I wish someone had told me my first time around, with some helpful hints thrown in for each one:
#1: Baby care can be learned “on the job”
- Many expectant parents are very stressed out about learning the basic skills of caring for newborns (like diapering, swaddling and bathing). Baby care classes offer the benefit of a fun, low stress introduction to those skills, but the reality is that you do not need to master all these skills prior to birth. Though it’s hard not to feel like an “expert” at something right away, your baby is your best teacher. Never diaper a baby before? Don’t worry – you’ll get to practice 8-12 times the very first day, more than you’d get in a class! Don’t know how to bathe a baby? Search “how to bathe a newborn” on YouTube, set up your laptop on the counter and tag team washing the baby with your partner. (We are SO LUCKY to be parenting in the age of the internet. I don’t know how people used to do it without it!)
- HELPFUL HINT: Sign up for Harvard Vanguard’s Caring for your Newborn or Baby Care and Safety Combo Class for a great introduction to baby care skills. They’ll give you enough of an overview to build some confidence. But put down the pencil and just have fun! Your baby is not your final exam, he or she is an ongoing lesson.
#2: Babies are needy
- This sounds like a no brainer but it’s easy to forget when you’re a new parent and your baby is crying. Newborns might be little baby lumps, but they have a lot of needs and they can’t communicate in any other way but crying. Trust your gut. Even if this is your first time as a parent, you have instincts, and using those and some trial and error, you’ll figure out what works. Sure, you can listen to the advice of trusted family and friends, but in the end, take what works and leave what doesn’t. Despite what anyone tells you, all babies are different and no strategy will work for all babies. You know your baby best.
- HELPFUL HINT: Read Our Babies, Ourselves by Meredith F. Small to learn about realistic expectations for how newborns behave and about how biology and culture shape our babies and the way we parent.
#3: Breastfeeding is hard at first (but it gets better)
- I’m not saying this to discourage anyone from breastfeeding; in fact, I’m saying it to encourage moms to persevere! Breastfeeding, even when everything is going right, feels labor-intensive. In the beginning, all you ever feel like you do is breastfeed, but please know this is normal! However, when women do not have realistic expectations for this process, they often think something is “wrong” with them, their baby or their milk supply, and they may start to supplement with formula. Don’t fall into this trap. Even though breastfeeding is “natural,” both mom and baby are learning how to do it together. It’s challenging at first but once you and baby get the hang of it, breastfeeding can be the ultimate in convenience as well as wonderful bonding experience.
- HELPFUL HINT: If breastfeeding is going well physically but is emotionally draining, then go to a breastfeeding support group in your community. If breastfeeding is not going well or if you are struggling with painful, cracked nipples, poor latch or if the baby is losing weight, call a lactation counselor (IBCLC) as soon as possible. Visit http://www.zipmilk.org/ to find one near you. While the cost of an IBCLC can run between $100-$200, remember that the cost of a year’s worth of formula is estimated to be around $1,700.
#4: You will need help, so ask for it and accept it when offered
- Everyone tells you that you should ask for help. But sometimes things are such a blur you don’t even realize what you need. So a lot of women say no. Don’t. In fact, consider asking for help prior to the baby’s arrival and make an effort to say “yes” every time someone offers!
- HELPFUL HINT: Ask your family and friends to bring you meals or takeout after the baby is born – even better, set up a MealTrain.com account and advertise it at your baby shower and on social media. When people come to visit and offer to help, ask them to throw in a load of laundry, do the dishes, walk the dog or hold the baby so you can take a shower or nap. Wake your partner for help if the baby is not easily soothed back to sleep after a night feeding and consider sleeping in another room until the next wakeup. Full time mothering is as exhausting (if not more so) than a full time job. Don’t neglect to wake your partner because they have to “work” in the morning. Even better, interview and hire a postpartum doula during your pregnancy (go to http://www.doulamatch.net/ to find one near you).
#5: Seek out other mothers
- Human beings are a tribal species. It is only in very recent times in our history that children routinely move away from their family and are expected to juggle challenges like new motherhood, a career and running a household all alone. As a new mom, other mothers will be your lifeline. You can swap success strategies, commiserate on the many challenges, and navigate the milestones of the first year together. Baby friendly “mommy dates” help you feel connected to other adults without feeling burdened by your baby.
- HELPFUL HINT: Consider identifying one local new mom or breastfeeding support group while you are pregnant that you can go to once the baby is born and make a commitment to go at least once. If you can, visit the group once while you are pregnant to soak up as much knowledge as you can before baby arrives. A simple internet search for “new mom group” or “breastfeeding support group” in your location is a great start.
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